New Mommy Musings

For all the Mommys and Daughters

2009-08-06T18:20:00.000-05:00

The Trouble with Email

2009-07-31T21:50:00.002-05:00

I just sent the following message accidentally to the CDC Physical Activity and Nutrition list-serv:

Oh, bought some organic home grown cheese today. Colby.

This message was intended for my husband.

Can you feel how hot my neck is right now?!?

The End of an Era

I think "dining out" as we know it is about to come to an end. For the past several months, I've been tracking how much money I spend each month at restaurants, Starbucks, Sonic, etc. and it's staggering. We've known for awhile that we do it too much but never really kept track of it like I've been doing. And I'm just accounting for what I spend, not Cory. It's gotta stop, especially if we want to have a nice house to live in!! But we all know not eating out really isn't an option, so we're going to try to cut back the frequency but also share an entree anytime we go out.

Also, it's got to stop because Kaia has officially hit the stage where she does NOT want to sit still in some stupid high chair for more than 2 minutes at a time. We met Tanner and his family at Joe's last night (his dad is being inducted into the Oklahoma Sports Hall of Fame this weekend--cool!) and she was a little monster! Aside from hyperactivity, she's into being as loud as humanly possible, so between her trying to escape, banging toys on the table and generally being a pain in the butt, she was screaming at the top of her lungs. Not screaming-crying, just screaming, like she is testing out her lungs.

By the end of the evening, I was exhausted. It took me until a little after 10:00 to get her to go to sleep, so I just went to sleep too.

Hilarious

2009-06-17T21:55:00.001-05:00

Plastic Tubs Rule

2009-05-14T07:24:00.000-05:00

Heavy Lifting

2009-04-28T20:53:00.000-05:00

I'll move it Mommy, no worries.

Easter Dress

2009-04-12T18:25:00.003-05:00

I bought this for Kaia for her first birthday. It finally fits her so we used it for her Easter dress. The weather was so icky I figured long sleeves were in order.

She is growing up so fast. She is starting to look way too much like a little girl and not at all like a baby. :( snif snif

Kaia Walks :)

2009-03-23T15:03:00.002-05:00

Tribulations

2009-02-24T17:29:00.002-06:00

I'm a little down today. I start my new job tomorrow, something that a few years ago would have had me dancing on tables. Instead, I'm sitting here dreading it, wishing I had done more in the past month with Kaia than I did, wanting more time and wishing I could just work part of the time so I could be with her more often.

Aside from not wanting to leave my daughter once again, I have a one-hour drive to contend with. It won't be for long, or at least it shouldn't be for long, but who knows how long it will take to sell our house and find one we want closer to my work.

I'm sure I've just got cold feet, and once I get there it will be great, but right now, it feels wrong. Who am I anymore? I'm supposed to be driven, successful, ambitious, athletic. Now I am none of those things.

I need some chocolate.

The Teefies

2009-02-19T21:32:00.003-06:00

Finally, 392 days after exiting the vajayjay, my daughter has teeth. They finally poked through her gums. She has two of the cutest little crooked front teeth the world has ever seen. Of course, I only know this because I turn her upside down periodically to peer into her mouth, and today I spied white! They are barely through, but dammit, they are teeth.

Anyone want to guess how long it will be before she bites me?!?

The Two of Us

2009-02-18T18:40:00.001-06:00

What are your middle names?
My middle name is Renee, his is Stephen.

How long have you been together?
We've been married OMG almost eight years and together for ten.

How long did you know each other before you started dating?
A couple months

Who asked whom out?
Hmmm... Good question. I'm not really sure.

How old are each of you?
I'm 37 going on 27. He's 36 going on cranky old man. LOL

Whose siblings do you see the most?
Used to be his without a doubt but now my sister lives here so HA! Mine!

Which situation is the hardest on you as a couple?
Hmmm... this might be better answered in person than on this but oh well... my nagging and his never remembering to do what i ask.

Did you go to the same school?
Yes but at different times. Both of us are OSU grads.

Are you from the same home town?
Nope, Cory is from Sand Springs and I am from Morris.

Who is smarter?
We are both smarter than the other in certain areas but he is by far the smartest overall. He can figure things out, recall information he once read forever ago and doesn't get lost.

Who is the most sensitive?
That would be Cory.

Where do you eat out most as a couple?
Sadly, El Tap.

Where is the furthest you two have traveled together as a couple?
Key West

Who has the craziest exes?
I think I'm the only one with a stalker in my past so I guess me.

Who has the worst temper?
Unless I'm pregnant, he does.

Who does the cooking?
Definitely Cory. I hate cooking. I used to be in charge of breakfast but he got better at that than me too. About the only thing I claim as greatness are my onions-fried-in cheeseburgers.

Who is the neat-freak?
Hopefully Kaia?

Who is more stubborn?
OMG, how can you tell who wins this one? And as Dooce put it, and together we gave birth to a monster.

Who hogs the bed?
Kaia hogs the bed currently but I am definitely the sheet stealer!

Who wakes up earlier?
Me but we both hate it. Mornings suck.

Where was your first date?
In Tulsa at the St. John's Street Party

Who is more jealous?
We both have a green streak but luckily we trust each other.

How long did it take to get serious?
Since Day 1.

Who eats more?
Me. Unless I'm pregnant, then DEFINITELY ME. I love to eat. Mmmm...

Who does the laundry?
Where's that question about the source of stress in our lives?!?

Who's better with the computer?
Cory. Dammit.

Who drives when you are together?
Cory because he is a control freak who cannot be a passenger. Lucky for me, I hate driving.

Ah, the Family Neuroses

2009-02-16T20:18:00.002-06:00

I think Kaia's going to be OCD. Seriously. We went to eat at Joe's tonight and when she was done squeezing, squooshing and mooshing her food, she carefully picked up every last morsel and dropped it on the ground, as if to say, "Not on MY table."

Hiking with Mommy

2009-02-14T14:35:00.000-06:00

I don't want to go back to work. I'll miss out on all these fun daytime adventures!

Don't Let the Bed Bunnies Bite

2009-02-12T21:35:00.005-06:00

I wish I could make a living as a writer. My favorite thing about school was always writing papers. If I ever get around to finishing the masters' degree, I'll probably be giddy about my thesis.

When I first found out my job was ending, I did a little searching for someone to link to my blog, or maybe want a weekly column from the perspective of a new mom. I found a magazine in OKC willing to link to me but after reading more of my sample blog entries, decided I was a little "too edgy." That's ok, I can respect that. My sense of humor and "in your face" story-telling is not for everyone. She said they would still do it with some editing, but I will not edit myself and she understood that too. I am who I am, my voice is my own. I will find an audience somewhere. If Dooce can do it, I can too.

Weird thing about me and writing. It relaxes me. I love the feel of the keyboard, the sound of the keys clicking away... I have trouble expressing myself at times and find the solitude of me and my computer comforting. No one knows me better than my laptop. :)

I took this picture tonight after putting Kaia to bed. Something about her feet just made me all gushy inside...

Aging

2009-02-11T17:19:00.002-06:00

I know I'm getting older - not because of the time it now takes me to jog a mile though that pounds the message home quite well - but because I've found myself saying two things at two different times today: "boys' hair these days, it looks awful" and "what is this world coming to."

The hair: It's no big deal, but have you guys SEEN the style they are sportin' these days? It's crap! Long, shaggy crap with a part that makes it look like they're aiming for a combover without the male baldness. Gross.

The world: Aside from the economy and global warming, every time I click on my news site of choice, I read the headlines of another wackjob killing their kid or leaving a newborn alone with a dog or the latest, letting a toddler play with an 18 ft. python. Just today, some crackhead threw her newborn, umbilical cord still attached, into Lake Ponchartrain. Then, we have the unemployed, unwed mother of octoplets. When and where did ethics go? Doesn't anyone care about anything anymore?

What about kids who are killed after DHS returns them to their "biological" parents, knowing the risk is there that it will happen again?

I heard this morning on the radio about a reality show about a 28-year-old who is entering rehab because she is addicted to plastic surgery. She's had something like 13 boob jobs. How does a person get that messed up and not get any real help?

I just can't stand it.

Day 1: the unemployment files

2009-02-02T13:22:00.002-06:00

Well Friday was my last day at work. I was so excited about getting to stay home with Kaia today. Last night, I wrote out her schedule for the day along with a couple things I needed to get done so I wouldn't lose track and just hang out in PJs all day. It's been wondrous! Right now, she is napping in her crib. Right on schedule. :)

Funny thing about the crib. She is a year old and has maybe napped in it three times. I told her for her first birthday she was getting a new room! And her very own bed! We love having her in the room or in the bed with us but we are both tired...our restless little sleeper keeps us awake way too much so it's time to move on.

So, goal for week 1 of the unemployment files: all naps must take place in the crib. Not in mommy's lap or in the pack & play or with Mommy in bed.

We'll see how it goes...

Birthday Girl

2009-01-29T16:55:00.002-06:00

Stress Management

2009-01-27T14:16:00.003-06:00

Last night, I was lying awake in bed worrying about my job interview. What time should I leave? Do I have any de-icer? What if the car slides off or worse? What if I'm late? Ugh. Neverending ramble of anxious thoughts... then I heard Kaia take a big, deep contented sigh. No RSV. No wheezing, no coughing, no crying. Just a big, sleepy sigh. It made me smile and instantly reminded me of whats really important.

A Letter to My Daughter on Her First Birthday

2009-01-22T23:06:00.002-06:00

Dear Kaia:

Today is your first birthday. Grandma Jane just rocked you to sleep for about the fourth time tonight. I guess you knew it was a special day and you wanted to stay up late!

We are having a party for you on Saturday and all your family is coming to help you celebrate. Uncle Greg, Aunt Kathie and the boys are coming all the way from Houston, and Uncle Mark and Aunt Candice are driving from Dallas... all just to kiss you and say, "We're glad you arrived!" And of course, the grandmas and grandpa will be here for you too.

When you are old enough, I will let you read the post Daddy wrote about the day you were born. It was a very special day but we were so scared. Daddy was scared for you and scared for me. It seems like it all happened so fast but it also seems like it was just yesterday that we brought you home. After 12 days in the NICU, you got to spend your first night with us in Stillwater. We barely slept a wink. Daddy and I used to fall asleep with one hand over the rail of your bassinet, just so you would know that we were close by.

We all love you so much. We can't wait to watch you grow into a smart, beautiful, strong and independent girl. I'm sure we will make mistakes along the way but rest assured, we are doing our very best and nothing is more important to us than being good parents for you. Having you was the best and most important decision we ever made. You have brought so much joy and laughter into our lives. We wouldn't miss a minute of it for the world.

Happy birthday!

xoxo
Mommy

I gotta hippopotamus for Christmas...

2008-12-27T23:04:00.000-06:00

but my dog won't let me at it...

Baby's First Christmas!

2008-12-27T22:58:00.001-06:00

December 27, 2008: Best. Christmas. Evah!

Sickness is the Suck

2008-12-17T22:55:00.001-06:00

December 17, 2008: This is doodlebug getting her first breathing treatment, while playing with the new tag toy Mommy bought her. The little bugger has bronchiolitis.

She's been coughing as you know, so this morning Cory called and got her an appointment and I took her in at two. We just wanted to check her lungs and make sure everything was clear from the sinus/ear infection round. Doctor C was a little afraid it was RSV, the viral stuff we got her shots for last year when she came home from the 'spital. They did a nasal swab and all clear, no RSV. BUT she does have bronchiolitis, which is viral so nothing we can do but wait it out and help her breathe easier.

I have to say, breathing treatment kind of freaks me out. I know they've been doing this sort of thing in hospitals for years, but I worry about giving a kid asthma medicine when they don't have asthma. It's one of those things, along with autism, that has really increased over the past 20 years so I can't help but wonder if we aren't giving our kids these diseases with some of the treatments we use for other things. I haven't done any research but I know I didn't take any breathing treatments when I was a kid. And I'm sure I had an infection or two. The older I get, the more paranoid I am about healthcare, medicines and the like.

Of course, it doesn't help that I have been reading, off and on, a book called "healing the new childhood epidemics: autism, asthma, allergies and ADHD." It basically says a combination of poor nutrition, toxic nutrition, actually, and an onslaught of vaccinations are causing new childhood diseases to take the place of chicken pox and all the things we all had as kids. It's interesting reading, but I'm not about to not vaccinate Kaia... I just have to have faith that she will be ok... which is really sort of what parenting is turning out to be.

Shhhh! Babies Sleeping!

2008-11-15T22:45:00.000-06:00

Baby's First Halloween!

2008-10-31T22:42:00.001-05:00

October 31, 2008: Follow. But. Follow only if ye be men of valour, for the entrance to this cave is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel that no man yet has fought with it and lived. Bones of full fifty men lie strewn about its lair. So, brave knights, if you do doubt your courage or your strength, come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty, big, pointy teeth.

Happy Halloween.

Chicken Pudding?

2008-10-15T22:41:00.001-05:00

October 15, 2008:

Things she's doing now:

coming up on all 4s. crawling is imminent!
eating solids, though still not very well. but she tried chicken tonight for the first time. Ick. Cory called it chicken pudding.
babbling non-stop!
having fun with bathtime. and we haven't even introduced toys yet!
gets totally excited when we go to pick her up at daycare
laughing! finally! we went for a walk with her in the backpack the other day and she just giggled the whole time. it was awesome!

The Bees Knees

2008-10-07T22:39:00.000-05:00

October 7, 2008: Does anyone have a contact with the Burt's Bees people? Cuz I think a Burts Bees Baby campaign is in order...

March for Babies

2008-09-12T12:01:00.001-05:00

September 12, 2008: Thanks to everyone who donated on Kaia's behalf. I am hoping to participate in this every year, so just plan a donation into your annual budgets cuz I'll be coming for you.

The impending rain moved the walk indoors, even though it still hasn't so much as sprinkled. Better safe than sorry I suppose. Anyway, we were in the student union and walked a few silly laps and then ate a hot dog. Kaia and other preemies started off the walk by participating in a "Preemie Parade" where they received a March of Dimes medal. It was presented by the OSU pom squad, she was pretty interested in their sparkly uniforms but didn't smile much. She just wanted to touch everything. I'm so proud of our baby girl!

Wonderful Things

2008-09-11T11:55:00.000-05:00

September 11, 2008: Kaia has discovered her "b" and "d" consonants. In fact, just two days ago. We are pretty sure she said "da da" this morning. Of course Cory wasn't even in the room with her but she said it!! Now we just need to put sounds with people so she can understand what she's saying... :)

Anyway, it was so cute this morning. She sometimes sits on our bed while we get dressed, surrounded by pillows "just in case" and she just sat there all giddy, babbling away. I think she gets as excited as we do when she makes a new sound.I am trying really hard to get to the point where she is in her own space to sleep but I am going to miss her so much. I think we are going to put the pack & play back in our bedroom and go from our bed to there to her crib. And yes, all these baby steps are for us, not her. I don't think she cares where she sleeps once she's out.

Here's a list of the wonderful stuff she is doing now:

She is attempting solids but she really, really wants to do it herself. It's messy but it's fun. So far, like her mama, sweet potatoes are her favorite.
She can now hold a bottle and feed herself, but it's hard if it's an 8-ouncer. It's hilarious to watch her get all excited to shove that nipple in her mouth. It usually hits her in the nose first.
She sits up by herself, which you saw in the recent picture. She's a little wobbly so I still stay close in case she flops over. She did just that at my office yesterday and bonked her head. She'll start to cry and if it's not a big deal, I'll tell her she's ok and kiss her and she stops immediately. THIS is a great thing. My mom was able to shut us up with a look. I hope I have that gift. It will come in handy later on.
One of the best things is that she reaches for me when I go to pick her up. :)
She has decided that bath time is not so bad afterall. Now that she can sit up, she has fun kicking her feet wildly, and I mean wildly, and splashing. Mostly kicking. And staring into the water at her feet kicking. She also likes to hold onto her toes now. I keep waiting to see her foot go into her mouth, but not yet.
Still no teefies, which means we get to enjoy that wonderful toothless grin for just a little bit longer.

sigh

2008-09-10T20:14:00.000-05:00

August 10, 2008: I'm still pumping. I was trying to quit but I just can't. Kaia doesn't like the formula as much as the breast milk. We are using both though, so at least I'm not pumping all the time. Just 2-3 times a day now. We'll see if I can quit for real or not. I want to so I can get on cholesterol medicine and get rid of these big ol' boobies but... the little one needs it so what's a mum to do??

Ugh...Not Again!

2008-09-01T11:53:00.000-05:00

September 1, 2008: It seems like Kaia is always sick. It's never anything big, thank goodness, but the little fevers and all seem neverending. Last week, she had a fever for almost a week (roseola). This weekend, it was vomit and diarrhea and very little appetite. I'm going to call the doctor tomorrow (we called the on-call the morning she puked to see if we needed to take her in) and see what we should do. She has very little interest in eating right now and I'm pretty sure she has lost some of the weight we were so happy to see that she had gained. Stressful business, this being a parent. Anyway, she only puked once and there's only been one more diarrhea episode so I think she's fine, but the not eating stuff... oy. I hope that is related to maybe her teething or something.

A Thousand Words?

2008-07-25T20:11:00.000-05:00

July 25, 2008:
I call this proof that A) Kaia feels much better and B) she doesn't mind going to school. They emailed me this photo today.

The Greatest

2008-07-16T20:10:00.000-05:00

July 16, 2008: At the benefit Saturday, a woman bought some things and said that she was on her way to Elite Repeat (consignment) and that if I wanted, I could take what she was going to donate so that she didn't have to go drop stuff off. I told her I would happily take whatever she wanted to give, and we traipsed off to her car with her little ones in tow.

She opened her trunk and pulled out a stroller (pretty nice one, too) and what you see on me in the picture. The greatest invention of all time: the infant backpack. Kaia is still a little too bobble-head-like for it right now, but she can stand it in small amounts and it feels fabulous on my back. It's so much better for me than carrying her in my high dollar sling (though not nearly as stylish) and is way more fun for her than being stuck in a stroller with no view.

I love my life!

Firsts

2008-07-02T20:02:00.000-05:00

July 2, 2008: Kaia rolled over yesterday! Cory & I both missed it, of course. I laid her on her back in the pack & play and went to pump. Cory knew she was in there and got up to go check on her (something we do obsessively, by the way) and there she was, face down and mumbling. So now, we are going to obsessively worry that she's going to turn over and suffocate. Sigh.

So to the experienced moms out there, is this something we should worry about? I mean, she can lift her head up so she would just do that, right?

Wiggles and Giggles

This is the cutest baby store ever. Those of you who come to Stilly now and then should go in, especially if you have any new moms to buy for. That was not a hint.

The Guilt is Neverending

2008-06-27T20:00:00.000-05:00

June 27,. 2008: So I’m going to quit pumping at 6 months. I’ve done all I can stand, and feel that I have given her as healthy a start as possible. She got to stay home with me for 3 months, then with Auntie Diane another month. Some babies at daycare are only 4 weeks old. I bet they get sick a lot in their little baby lifetime.

I do feel guilty about it, of course, because I feel like I am quitting for my own convenience, knowing it’s not what is best for Kaia. But I have health concerns of my own that need to be tended to, and it’s just not happening while I’m pumping 5 times a day. I gotta take care of me so I can take care of the Wee One.

Daycare: Where Babies Go to Get Sick

2008-06-12T19:57:00.000-05:00

June 12, 2008: Well, for the third Friday in a row since Auntie D left, we're taking Kaia to the doctor. She still has the congestion and cough, it hasn't really gotten any better, and now we think she might have pink eye. I am hoping it's just a cold in her eye, but you can't mess around with pink eye. I had it when I was 11. It is some nasty stuff, let me tell you. I actually remember how it feels for your eye to be crusted shut every morning. Gross.

Anyway, other than the never ending illnesses, we are liking our daycare pretty well. I know when she is older she will really enjoy it because they do all kinds of fun activities there. Yesterday was - yes it's true - bicycle day! All of the older kids who had bikes were instructed to bring them to the center and they were all out in the parking lot riding around and having fun.

The 32 hour week thing is not working out for me right now. Well, it is and it isn't. It eases my guilt for rolling in around 9:30 - 10 every day. But I'm 1 for 3 as far as actually having Fridays off, and 2 out of the 3 I've had something going on the Saturday as well. We'll see how it goes. Work is getting so busy for me though I don't know if it's really feasible. I did have my eval last week and my boss asked for me to get the "maximum" raise possible. That was pretty cool. I really like my job. I just wish I could do it all in 20 hours so I could be home with Kaia.

I'm thinking about chopping my hair off again. I'm in a hair rut. Ideas?

I rode once this week. Geez, this is getting ridiculous. Maybe I can get a long ride in this weekend.

Here's hopin.

So Much Happiness

2008-06-08T19:56:00.000-05:00

June 8, 2008: A few minutes ago, I was sitting here playing on the laptop and Kaia was on Cory's lap. They had just sat down together after he got her out of her swing and I hadn't yet looked over to see what she was doing. When I did, she was smiling so big at me, it was like her face was going to crack. It was the cutest, biggest smile I've ever seen, so I got excited and smiled back, started talking to her and clapping. That's when it happened. The giggle. We got our first giggle! Mark this down in history as one of the best moments in my life. In fact, one of the greatest days ever, start to finish.

She is feeling better, though all three of us still sound terrible. Cory is now battling some kind of stomach bug... either that or he snuck away and ate some salmonella tomatoes from somewhere. At any rate, it still feels like we'll never be well again.

This weekend has been quite peaceful. No work, no company, no "obligations," just family time. I haven't even been nagging about getting the house clean. We've just been lying around, taking it easy. Maybe this will bode well for our recovery.

I know we both gush about Kaia on our blogs, and I think part of it is because we so desperately want you all to know how we feel, even though we realize it's impossible. We were the friends who, if someone had a baby, rolled our eyes at the thought of never ending baby talk, diapers and crying. To think that we were ever on the fence about any of this... well, we just want any of you out there who are undecided to realize that you will never, ever know the love and joy a baby can bring unless you do it. My saying that will not phase any of you probably, because I heard it from people all my life, but I still thought, "yeah well, not me. I don't think I'd like being a mom. I don't think I'd be good at it. I think I'm too selfish." and so on and so on. What a bunch of bullshit! Cory said last night he felt like thanking me for her (I told him to feel free to do so anytime...) but I feel the same way. I never would have gotten off the fence if I hadn't known that he would be a great dad to her, the kind I never had and the kind he never had... I think we're both going to grow so much from this experience, and I feel truly lucky that Kaia is in our lives but also feel like she is one lucky little girl to have so many people love her so much.

OK, I'll stop. Snif. She's just so awesome!

Woes

2008-05-26T19:51:00.000-05:00

May 26, 2008: I know that not everyone can hop on a bike and ride 20 miles, so I understand that I have not lost all of my fitness level. However, it is so much harder with all this extra weight and my lost endurance that it has really been a challenge to get out there and do it. I rode once last week, and so far zip this week but it is only Monday. I was hoping to get a long ride in over the weekend but didn't.

I lost 10 pounds last month so that is encouraging. If I could do that every month for the next 4 I would be ecstatic! Of course, I know how it is and know the loss will slow down...but even if I can do 5 a month that would be great. I have managed to fit into a couple of my non-maternity pants but they are also my fat pants so it's not all that exciting.

Kaia Update

Should I have put this one first? Nah. I wanted to make you read about MY woes first. :)

Kaia had her first fever last week. She had her 4 month shots and this time got a fever. It was sad. :( She just didn't feel good.

Seems the munchkin hasn'st been eating enough lately. Her rapid weight gain seems to have halted. We think it's partly from the new routine and first week at daycare but she was only 10 pounds and was around that same weight when we went to get her ears checked a couple of weeks ago. We aren't worried but were surprised. I had guessed her at 12 and Cory guessed 11.

She is cooing all the time now, god it's cute. We keep trying to capture it on video and I swear, the kid just stops doing whatever it is the minute the camera is out! She has started to roll onto her side too. Her head control is good... she is doing almost everything she should be doing at this age, though still not really grasping things or batting at toys. Everyone tells us what a good baby she is, and how good her temperament is. We feel so lucky to have her.

Work Update

I officially start the 32 hour work week this week. I'm a little worried about us financially, but we're going to give it a shot!

sunshine, happiness and a little bit of sadness

2008-05-20T19:50:00.000-05:00

May 20, 2008:

Day 1 of daycare pretty much blew. I felt "OK" most of the day. I stayed there with her until 11, called at 2 and visited around 3. She was doing fine, they said she was a really good baby. But when we picked her up, she seemed sad. :( No big smiles for us like she had when we dropped her off. I think there is so much going on in the infant room, for obvious reasons, that she just didn't sleep much and was exhausted. Which, to us, looked like sadness.

She finally perked up around 10 p.m. so we felt a little better. Cory was playing Metallica on the laptop, and she started smiling. We tried to redo it on video but she wouldn't repeat it, ala the singing frog. Anyhoo, we'll see how today goes. For all 3 of us.

Mommy, day care is tiring. Please don't make me go back, I want Auntie Diane!

9 lbs., 9 oz

2008-04-26T19:47:00.000-05:00

April 26, 2008: It's hard to believe Kaia has been here for 3 months. In some ways, it seems like forever ago we were driving to see her in NICU and in others, seems like just last week.

I haven't been updating as much for obvious reasons. Funny how that whole work thing gets in the way. But she is doing great. Her upper body is getting much stronger, she can hold her head up for small periods of time and continues to smile big when we make funny faces at her. And sometimes when we're just around. We were at El Tapatio for Diane's 30th and she stared at me, grinning from ear to ear the whole time. It was awesome.

She has been sleeping great...sometimes as many as 8 hours at night. We are loving that! Though I think Cory will agree with me that we are both still completely exhausted, sleeping through the night or not. We attribute her good sleep to the fact that we have given up on her sleeping anywhere but right smack in the middle of us. Yep. We caved. We have the family bed now. We are hoping to just do it for a little bit longer but I must confess, I love having her right next to me.

My back, neck, hip are all effed up, so every morning when I get up it's painful. Not sure what is going on there but since I have so many medical bills to pay anyway, I might as well go get some therapy!

Giving up dairy seems to be helping with her tummy issues but guess what I just had to do last night? Make a creamy Oreo pie. It's to die for, people. Trust me on this one. I hope my big slip doesn't punish her later.

I had to work Tuesday night and Saturday morning this week. The only thing worse than being back at work is doing extra work than usual.

Oh, I was pumping the other day, just happened to ask Cory to rub my back (see above post about being effed up!) and he found a tick! Sucker might as well have built a condo, he was so settled in. Now my back is red as fire where it was, going to have to get it checked, I'm afraid. (No, we didn't save the tick but yes, we think we got the head and have been doctoring me with neosporin). Creepy.

Diane is still taking care of her during the day - YAY! No daycare, which means she hasn't been sick at all. :) I'll take that for as long as I can get it.

It's Been Awhile

2008-04-21T19:43:00.001-05:00

April 21, 2008: Well, last week was Week No. 1 back at work. I survived. That’s about all I can say about it. It’s hard, even if she is at home instead of in daycare. There’s still the feeling that I should be home with my daughter. I worry that she will forget who I am. I worry about all the things I am going to miss while she is there and I am here. It’s not easy, and it will be even harder when she is bigger and gets a “real” schedule, because before you know it, it will be time for her to go to bed, and we will only have had a few hours of wakeful time together. It makes me sad.

I’ve decided to cut my work hours back to a Mon-Thurs. schedule. The pay cut will not be easy, but easier to manage after having 3 months with no paycheck at all. I am going to work one pay period full-time and then switch over. That way, I will have 3-day weekends each week. Fridays will be Mommy-Daughter Day! We will have great adventures together, and sometimes, we’ll make Daddy stay home from work so he can join us. I think it will be better for all of us...

Cue the Guilt

2008-04-10T19:41:00.000-05:00

April 10, 2008:

1) daycare looms
2) I wish I could stop pumping!

Ups and Downs

2008-04-07T19:31:00.001-05:00

April 7, 2008: Smiles are awesome! Cries not so much.

We had four nights in a row of pure hell. Each of those nights, between 9 and midnight, she went apeshit. I've heard of colic and knew it was bad, but thought it just meant the baby cried nonstop. Well, Kaia didn't just cry. She screamed bloody murder, it sounded like we were torturing her, and we couldn't find anything wrong. Dry diaper, full tummy... I even stripped her naked at one point, just in case the diaper tape was rubbing her wrong, or her clothes were irritating. Nothing helped. It was a horrible. I gave her to Cory Friday night and went into the fetal position and bawled in the dark.

The past two nights have been tolerable. She's kind of fussy, but nothing like before.

I go to work in one week.

Updates

2008-04-01T22:33:00.000-05:00

April 1, 2008: The last couple of nights have blown. She's been fussy all night, not crying but fussing. I've been up and up and down and up and down. Even when I put her in bed with us, it seems she only sleeps for a little while before she is twisting and turning and her tummy is churning. I don't know if it is just gas, reflux or something I ate, but it's been horrendous.

She took her shots like a champ today. OK she cried like a champ. She has three little hot pink band-aids on her little tiny legs. Official weight? 8.0!!! She's 21 inches long. She's grown 4 inches and gained almost 4 pounds since birth. We are very pleased. She makes us so proud!

Work is less than two weeks away.

Here's my new favorite picture... my sister and I went to a huge consignment sale in town last weekend and I got her this cute little pjs. Best $3 I've ever spent...

Grrrr!

2008-03-10T22:25:00.001-05:00

March 10, 2008: Damn girl scout cookies are thwarting my weight loss efforts! Why oh why did I agree to let those boxes come into my house?

Was going to go to the gym today - it being Monday and all. Woke up with a huge headache and it hasn't left all day. Kaia threw up all over my robe this morning and sadly, I fell asleep wearing it anyway. Good thing she's not on formula or that would be even more gross than it already is.

SO in love

2008-03-10T22:25:00.000-05:00

March 10, 2008: She melts our hearts just a little bit more every day.

Booooored bored bored

2008-03-05T22:22:00.000-06:00

March 5, 2008: OK, six weeks in, and I'm suffering from cabin fever. It's not that I can't take Kaia anywhere, it's that I don't really have anywhere to go. I mean, I can't spend any money and I don't really want to visit places crawling with flu bugs right now so... here I sit.

Today, I got up at 4 and went to bed a little after 5. I woke up again around 9 and went back to bed around 11. Got up at 12 and have been up since. Bottles washed? Check. Laundry put away? Check. Pumping on schedule? Until now, Check. I even cleaned out the guest room a little so that Cory could come home and take a nap in an ice cold, darkened room.

OH yeah, and I'm sick, so this is not a joyous household. Cory is sleep deprived, and when he gets sleep deprived, it just ain't good. Thus the Serenity Guest Room/Nap House.

The Little One has her days and nights mixed up I guess. One more day of weirdness and I'm calling the doctor. She was awake, give or take according to Daddy, 7.5 hours last night. He was letting me sleep (drug-induced, thank goodness for Bendaryl) since I'm sick. Anyway, she was wide awake through two feedings, til 5 a.m. She's also doing this weird thing now when we try to feed her where her tongue gets in the way of the nipple so feeding her has become a battle once again. If any of you moms have input on that, it would be great. She eventually gets it out of the way, so I don't think she's "tongue tied" but it's really tiring and frustrating. I'm afraid she is going to get too tired to eat again like she did in the beginning.

I had my six week post-partum check up yesterday. 17 pounds from my starting weight. Sigh. But everything is good and everything I'm feeling and experiencing is "normal" for this point of recovery. Including utter disgust about how I look right now. (I said "utter" not "udder" but either way...)

People keep asking me when I'm going back to work. I don't really want to. I don't really think I'd be good staying at home full-time, but I just really don't want to put her in daycare. Even though we know three different couples with new babies there, I still hate the thought of it. It's hard when neither one of us were daycare kids ourselves.

I'm being long-winded because I'm bored. And don't want to go pump. OK, I'll stop now.

Lessons Learned Since February 3

2008-02-27T22:18:00.000-06:00

February 27, 2008:

Don't use saline to clean out her nose after she has just eaten.
Don't set her in her swing after meals either.
Little girls CAN projectile pee. She has also been known to shoot poop across the room.
You can actually puke milk out of your nose. If I never see her do that again, I'll be happy. While it's funny in theory, the look on her face while she was puking was one of terror and shock, which sent Mommy to the other room bawling.
Newborn cries are kind of cute. Very loud, but cute. Who said this kids lungs were underdeveloped??
Newborn poop looks like mustard with some sesame seeds mixed in.
Changing a diaper is really no big deal. I don't know why I was so afraid of it.
Having your baby sleep on you is the best thing in the world.
Walking into the room and seeing Daddy sound asleep with his arm draped over the bassinet is an image I will cherish forever and ever.
Newborns, and especially preemies, sleep a LOT.
Mommy staying home is a treat for us both, but if not for the internet, Mommy might go nuts.

In other news, I forked out $202 today for a shot for the little one. She is at high risk for RSV because being a preemie. It's expensive, but both the nurses at Mercy and our doctor recommended it. The shot is actually $900 before insurance... ouch. Thank goodness for insurance. I dread her getting the shot though. She'll probably not even flinch, she got so used to being poked and prodded in the hospital.

I finally cleaned out her crib and put sheets on, even though she won't be sleeping in there for awhile. I put her in it the other day because she was kind of restless and I was tired of trying to hold her. I read her a couple stories while she laid there and looked around. She seemed pretty content with that. She sure looks little in that big ol' crib though!

Mostly Uneventful

2008-02-25T22:15:00.000-06:00

February 25, 2008:
I think this is getting ready to get harder.

Right now, the little bugger pretty much just sleeps and eats. She's really not awake very often. But I read that once preemies hit their "actual" due date (Feb 27 - March 1), they sort of wake up. So that means all this quiet time, which is boring as hell for me by the way, is getting ready to end. I'm ok with that I think, but boy, she can really squeal when she's mad so if that becomes a constant, I'll probably yearn for the quiet boring times!

She's getting cuter every day. I look at her all the time and each time I'm in awe as much as the last. I never thought a little baby could make me smile so much.

As for me and how I'm doing... well, it's up and down. I want my body back. This fat, jiggly me with big floppy udders just doesn't suit me. I went to the gym tonight, struggled to do 25 minutes but at least it's a start. It's harder than when I first started exercising 10 years ago. Back then, I had no expectations of myself. Now I know exactly what I should be able to do. Patience is not my strong point when it comes to this sort of thing.

All the women that kept telling me "sleep when she sleeps" must have had an assistant to help out. I have tried that for the past couple days and jeez. When would I ever get anything done? Cory took the 8 a.m. feeding so I slept until 11 with her. Which meant I was several hours overdue for pumping, which makes me anxious. So I get up, give her a bottle and put her to sleep. By this time, Cory comes home for lunch and takes her, so I start pumping. It's 1:00 p.m. or so and I have not eaten, taken my meds, had a single drink of any kind or peed. When I say not getting anything done, I ain't talkin' about the dishes. It's frustrating. So clearly, I need to get up at 8 with Cory whether I'm feeding her or not.

(By the way, the breastfeeding thing isn't working so well for us, which is why I am always pumping, pumping, pumping... so far we haven't had to supplement with formula and I want to keep giving her my milk for as long as I can stand it).

Anyway, the time goes by so fast! Before I know it, it's 5:00 and my day at home alone with the baby has ended. Honestly, I spent most of my time just holding her and staring at her, and I surf. I keep telling myself that I need to be more productive, then I rationalize that she's only going to be this size once, so who cares what doesn't get done?

Dose of Cute

2008-02-21T22:14:00.000-06:00

February 21, 2008: Kaia is warming up to bathtime...

Sleep Deprivation, Part II. And Anxiety.

2008-02-12T22:12:00.000-06:00

February 12, 2008: You know, about the only thing I love more than eating and riding my bike is sleeping. In fact, sometimes the only reason I get ON my bike and ride for hours is because I know the amazing nap I'll have when I get back. When Cory & I first were training for the Ride for the Roses, we talked about the glory of the post-ride cycling nap. Every Sunday, we'd get back, all sweaty and icky and tired and hungry, and we'd hit El Tap and then go sleep. It was the deepest "my body is exhausted" sleep ever and it was fabulous.

Now, several years later, here we are, operating on just a couple hours a night. Our house, once kept a cool, comforting 68, is now set at 78. The little one has no body fat, she's got to stay warm. We used to complain that our dark brown curtains didn't block out enough daylight when we wanted to sleep in. Now we sleep with the lamp on so we can see the little one when we need to. Oh how times have changed!

Personally, I wish we could skip this part. I'm a 10 hours a night girl. I can sleep in the car, on the couch, on a plane, sitting upright, as I discovered in the wee hours this morning... I love my sleep. And I miss it. I don't function well without it.

So Kaia, when you are older and you read all our posts in your baby book, know how much we loved you from the get-go, we gave up our favorite things for you: Halo and sleep.

---

Without sleep, my anxiety seems to be worse. Sometimes I just have these moments of panic... like I feel like I'm rushing but I don't know why. I mean, where do I have to be? This morning, i was trying to hurry up and dress the little one, do the routine you know, and it just didn't go well. Started to put on the new diaper, she peed everywhere. Diaper thingie was full, couldn't get her arms through the little sleeves... I was taking way too long to get her to her breakfast. I give her the mandatory stinky vitamin with a little milk and she guzzles it. Then throws it up all over the shirt I just struggled to get on her. By the time I finally got her clothed and not smelling like stinky vitamin, she was really too tired to eat. I got up and noticed the house. There is crap everywhere. Clothes, washcloths, blankets, baby bottles... our dining room table is perpetually covered. I thought my head might explode. I actually started to sweat.

And I wonder why I have had a headache all day?

I could never do this without Cory. I'm not sure how any woman is able to do this without a supportive spouse, though I know it happens all the time. I'm just not strong enough to do it. Thank goodness I don't have to be...

Baby Feets (and Feats)

2008-02-06T22:09:00.000-06:00

February 6, 2008: This is Nurse Delores putting footprints in my baby book. So tiny and cute!

We met our pediatrician today, Kaia had her first appointment. Our doctor is really nice, I liked her a lot. She basically came in, looked her over, listened to her lungs and heart and told us she was perfect! She also said she was really strong which makes me happy. :) The best news is that she has finally surpassed her birth weight!! She gained 5 oz. since coming home with Mommy and Daddy and is at 4 lbs. 13 oz.

We also gave her a bath today, it was a pathetic attempt really but at least her little tushy and her widdle head smells good.

OMG!

2008-02-02T22:07:00.000-06:00

February 2, 2008: So the moment we've all been waiting for has arrived... we are rooming in tonight and taking Kaia home tomorrow. We're sitting in our little room right now, Kaia is in her plastic bassinet, unhooked from monitors and sleeping soundly. I just scarfed down dinner (hospital variety) and Cory is now trying to manage to eat his without complaining.

Ever since they called this morning, I've been one big ball of anxiety. I think I managed to fall back asleep after hearing the news but I'm not sure how. I am terrified. Is she too hot? Is she too cold? Is she wheezing? Is she still breathing? Should we talk normally? Should we be quiet? The list is endless. We are ready to have her home but at the same time... how do you sleep?

I was expecting to breastfeed her tonight, but the lactation consultant can't make it until tomorrow, so 11 a.m., we're going to give it a go. It sure would be nice to get to nurse her instead of pumping all the time. There is just no reward in that! Well, there is, she's still getting the good stuff. But you know. I'm not looking to bond with an electric device.

Anyway, this time tomorrow, we'll be at home with our beautiful baby girl. Freaking out.

Wish us well, love you guys!

Pretty Little Ladybug

2008-01-29T22:03:00.000-06:00

January 29, 2008: I think Cory mentioned having to "scrub in" every time we want to go into the NICU. The rule is 3 minutes minimum. We stand there and scrub, up to our elbows, several times a day. I think the soap is eating the hair off my arms. I've developed a rash though at least now the swelling has gone down. Stuff is brutal. I don't know how doctors and nurses do it. I never dated a doctor, but I bet their hands are rough and gross.

Kaia was awake and alert at each visit tonight! Her big eyes are so pretty. She has Cory's eyes and mouth for sure, my chin for sure and we think my nose but it's hard to tell when it's so widdle. I had an amazing moment yesterday that I have to share...

Cory talked about her seeming to root around for something to suck... we tried doing the cheek stroking thing, holding her little chin... so far nothing has really produced a reaction. Well, last night, she had started to wake up a little and was making these little faces and opening her mouth. I touched her lip with my pinkie, and instinctively, she opened her mouth really wide and started to suck on it! I instantly gasped, then started crying. I kept thinking that is what she will do when I finally get to breastfeed her.

This afternoon, the nurse put her on her tummy on my chest to nap. It was awesome. She had her little hand out of her blanket and rested it on my chest as she slept. When it was Cory's turn, he held her the same way and she stuck out her little hand and put it on his neck. I think his heart explodes a little every single day.

Moments

2008-01-28T22:01:00.000-06:00

January 28, 2008: I've been wanting to post for almost a week now (hard to believe, tomorrow is her one week birthday!) but after I spent almost an hour carefully crafting the events of her birth and blogger lost it... well, let's just say I've been boycotting the damn thing. But now I am wide awake, at home and have nothing to do except go to sleep, so just for today, I'm choosing something else over sleep.

Thanks to everyone who has called, emailed, texted, etc. You guys mean the world to us. Kaia is very lucky to have so many people love her.

I'm doing pretty well. I wasn't expecting to take such a beating and have been really sore (everywhere, not just the obvious). I asked Cory why my stomach was so sore and he reminded me that I had two nurses pushing on my stomach, trying to push at Kaia's feet to get her to exit my body. Anyway, the worst thing really is just that I still get exhausted easily and my feet are swelling after only being on them for short periods of time. They didn't even swell this much while I was pregnant! I have so much to do that I thought I had a couple more weeks to do, and now I get too tired to do much of it at one time.

I can't describe to you what it's like to look at Kaia. I look at her, and I see Cory, and I look at Cory and I see her. She is so beautiful, and makes the best faces! To be so small and yet so expressive and curious is amazing to me. The nurses comment on how adorable and alert she is. When she is awake, her eyes just scan the room in wonder. I have never cried so much in my life. I can't believe I ever thought I might not want to do this...

Now if we can just get her home...

Guest Post: Friday Update

2008-01-26T22:00:00.000-06:00

January 26, 2008: Today was good and bad.

First, the good/bad. She had her echocardiogram thing. She does, in fact, have a tiny hole in her heart. This isn't uncommon in preemies, we're told. The doctor apparently seems confident the hole will close as the heart grows, but there is also the possibility that the hole could get bigger. We have to make an appointment to see a cardiologist in six to eight weeks. So that'll be good.

She started bottle feeding early in the morning Thursday (by early I mean the NICU nurse called in the middle of the night to see if we wanted to come for her first bottle feeding; we abstained). She's gone from 12cc of formula to 45cc of formula in just 48 hours.

She's also become Jaundiced (liver is having trouble breaking down all the extra red blood cells she had while she was in the womb; makes the baby turn yellow/orange), so they're doing light therapy on her. That means she lies under a blue light with a sleeping mask on and soaks up the rays. For whatever reason, light helps the kid's liver function better.

The downside, apart from turning orange, is her little body is getting fatigued. Pretty much all day when we tried to feed her, she'd fall asleep while eating. Because she did it twice in a row, they had to put the feeding tube back in her. On the plus side, she's eating enough that they've gotten rid of the IV. But on the bad side, she's got a tube running down her nose and into her little belly and is being force fed. She's just too tired to eat on her own.

That said, when it's feeding time, they still try for the bottle first. The nurses keep telling us that this is common and that after a day or so of eating poorly, they get it figured out. So here's hoping.

Another positive, she gained weight today for the first time since she was born. She has to weigh a certain amount before she can come home, so again, good news.

The doc told Steph earlier today (friday) that there's a possibility she'll get to come home on Monday. As much as I want her to come home and have all the leads and tubes off of her, I'd rather she really be ready to do so, so if it's Monday, it's Monday. If it's later, it's later.

We just got back from trying to feed her and giving her a bath. Those kids are slippery sitting in water. She didn't like it for the first couple of minutes, but by the end, she was wide away and calmed down. In fact, that was the most active we'd seen her all day. We're thinking next time she has a bath, we'll bathe her then try to feed her.

I think that's it. I'm working on a post about the arrival day. Some of you haven't heard the whole story, or haven't heard it well because I haven't exactly been in a calm state of mind lately.

Thanks again for all your well wishes.

Guest Post: Day Two Update

2008-01-24T21:58:00.000-06:00

January 24, 2008: (Steph's napping so she asked me to put an update over here for you guys to read. Also, her phone is dead, so if you need to get hold of us, use my number.

So... the feeding tube is out of her throat. Steph actually fed Kaia a whole bottle of milk. Kid fell asleep while she was eating, but she ate the whole thing. All that is doing well.

Last night, the doc said she had a little bit of a heart murmur (which is scary), so tomorrow they're doing a scan on her heart. The doc said it's not uncommon for premies to have heart murmurs, but he's going to check her out anyway.

We're still not sure when she's getting out. They're not even speculating, so I'll try not to as well.

Also, in case you guys don't know: 4 pounds, 8.6 oz. at birth. 17 inches long and some change. She's not very big, but the nurses keep calling her "feisty," which is to be expected.

Later.

Guest Post: Early Labor

2008-01-24T21:49:00.000-06:00

January 24, 2008: My husband posted this a few days after the fact to update our friends on what all happened the day Kaia was born...I'm glad he got it down so soon after the fact so we will have a record of it for her. I sure as heck don't remember any of it past the ambulance ride to OKC...

The day before Kaia was born, I had the day off. The night before that, I went to bed at about three, so on my day off, I rolled out of bed exhausted at about 11:30 am.

Steph slept in as late as I did. She wasn’t feeling too well. She was tired, sluggish. And she was having stomach cramps she assumed were gas or something. She took off for work, lasted about three hours, then came home and went back to bed.

Probably should’ve been our first clue something wasn’t right. She slept until early evening, we had some dinner, watched the Sarah Connor Chronicles (not a bad show, by the way). Steph went to bed about 11. I goofed off on the internet for another hour and a half then surrendered to fatigue.

Two hours and fifteen minutes later, Steph said, “Cory, wake up.”

I’m not a good instantly awake kind of guy. I think I blinked a couple of times, said, “Wha?”

“Either my water just broke or I wet the bed.”

Uh, that’s not supposed to happen for another five weeks. I got up started getting dressed, though not very well. Steph went to the bathroom. I stripped the bed and then just sort of started running around the house in circles.

Our bags were not packed. Should’ve been but we’d been waiting on the baby shower so we could see what we were missing. The half-packed hospital bag went in the car and not much else. No extra clothes for either of us. No car seat.

We piled into the car and headed for the hospital. It’s very difficult to drive carefully and slowly when you’re both exhausted and your adrenaline is pumping like mad. I remember being pretty scared. It couldn’t be a good thing if she was coming this early. Something had to be wrong, right?

We got to the hospital by about 3:05, 3:15. They checked us in, put Steph in a bed and got the heartrate monitors on she and Kaia. Steph’s blood pressure was scary low, like 73/49. They started her on fluids and called our doctor. I’m pretty sure the nurse taking care of us was new. She kept leaving the room to ask questions and seemed nervous (too much white in her eyes despite an outwardly calm demeanor).

Our doctor showed up about 4:00. She had just rolled out of bed and looked/sounded slightly frazzled. She checked some stuff then informed us we’d be transferring to a hospital in Oklahoma City. Apparently, Stillwater Medical Center does not deliver babies born before 36 weeks (Kaia was at 34 weeks, 5 days) as they have no Newborn Intensive Care Unit (NICU). That meant an ambulance trip. It took about 45, 50 minutes for the ambulance to show up, even though it was right there in town. Does it take them that long to show up when there’s a bad car accident in the middle of the night?

While we were waiting, Steph started having contractions. She was only dilated to a One, but they were already pretty quick, a couple of minutes apart, and painful as hell. I don’t know about other people, but I hate watching people I love in pain and not being able to do anything about it.

I was told there was no room for me in the ambulance, that I’d have to get the car and drive myself. They gave me directions to the hospital, told me what floor she’d be on, and basically told me good luck. Put yourself in my shoes for a moment. It’s four-something in the morning. Your wife’s water has broken more than a month early, and these ambulance drivers and nurses are taking her away from you and making you drive an hour in sleet, ice and dark.

Longest hour of my life.

Steph says it was no joy ride for her either. The ambulance had what amounted to no suspension and her contractions became more frequent and painful.

All that said, during this time, Kaia’s strong heartbeat never faltered. That would come later.

I showed up to the hospital, parked and pretty much ran for the elevators, my arms laden with bags of crap we really didn’t need. I’m not sure I was holding a coherent thought in my head. I just needed to find my wife. The elevator moved too slow. I didn’t know who to ask where she was. Still, I found the right floor, the right hall, and finally, the right room. It was almost 6:00am.

She was in there and a nurse was already wiring her and Kaia up. The contractions at this point basically curled her into the fetal position and kept coming faster and faster. The nurse asked us questions, had me fill out paperwork. I did the best I could while trying to talk to Steph, keep her calm.

Then the freaking nurse vanished. For half an hour or longer. And never came back. Instead, a new nurse showed up. Her name was Linda and she talked way too damn much. Through the course of her jabbering, we learned she’d been a delivery nurse (she called herself something, but I’m not remembering it now) for 29 years.

The whole time she talked, she would take a break and ask Steph how her pain was. The time was around 8:00am. By this time, Steph was lying on her side, and I was sitting in a chair in front of her. I had my forearm lying in front of her and she held onto it with both hands. Every time she had a contraction, she’d squeeze the hell out of me.

Linda was really concerned about the amount of pain Steph was in. For one, she still hadn’t dilated past a One. Linda called the new doctor, got permission to give Steph some narcotics, and hit her with them.

Nothing. Steph never felt them.

The doc showed up sometime before nine and examined Steph (not too gently, which pissed me off at the time). I heard Linda at that point suggest to him they might want to give her the epidural early.

We’d had a couple of baby classes. Had more to go. But I knew you weren’t supposed to get your epidural until you were a Three or a Four. They were giving her one at a One. Again, this did not convey to me that things were going well. For one, I kept watching Linda check the monitors and she kept becoming more and more animated. Never panicked, but she kept moving faster and faster, checking more and more stuff.

And so it was that at about 9:30, the anesthesiologist showed up to give Steph her epidural. If you don’t know what those are, basically, they put an IV in the tissue right next to the spine and pump in pain killers. They basically deaden everything from the stomach down. No pain.

Just prior to that, Steph had been having minute to two-minute long contractions separated by just 20 seconds. That’s a lot of pain, kids.

Soon as the epidural was in, however, she stopped feeling them at all. In the next half our, they informed us that there would be a bunch of people in the room with us. Four from the NICU, complete with a super-duper baby unit (heater, IVs, scales, the works), as well as the doc, Linda and an additional nurse. They weren’t there yet. It was still just Steph, me and Linda. I sat rooted to my chair on Steph’s right, petting her head and reminding her to breathe.

Linda started checking her dilation every couple of minutes. The first time she checked after the epidural, Steph was a Six. Ten minutes later, an Eight. By 10:00am, Steph was a 10. Linda was on the phone telling the doc he’d better get there and soon.

For her part, she felt drugged out of her head. She was fighting to stay awake and mad as hell about it. She kept saying, “Why can’t I feel anything? This isn’t right. I’m supposed to be feeling something.” I kept telling her she didn’t want to feel what was going on and rubbing her head.

By about 10:05, the room was full, the doctor showed up, asked the same stupid questions of Steph and I we’d already been asked five times that day, and suited up. Linda was across from me, another nurse beside her, and the doc got ready to catch.

Then the pushing started. Again, Steph could feel nothing, and the more she pushed, the more pissed off she got that she couldn’t. I kept watching Linda check Kaia’s monitor. Hell, you could hear it. Steph would push and Kaia’s heartbeat would plummet.

We went through probably three rounds of pushing and Kaia still wasn’t there. That’s about when the tone of the room changed. I didn’t hear the doctor ask for them, but I noticed when they started unwrapping the forceps. They are these huge chrome claws, basically. And there was some other piece of chrome equipment, I assumed they used to spread Steph open more.

Seeing all that, I couldn’t help it. I started to cry. I was so scared for Steph. Being scared for Kaia at that point was secondary. My wife was being hurt. She looked up at me crying and she started crying. I kept telling her everything was all right. Far as I knew, it still was all right. But I also knew doctors don’t like to use the forceps anymore, that using them is rare, and that that must mean they wanted Kaia out of there in a hurry.

I buried my head next to Steph’s so she wouldn’t see me cry, and kept repeating to her that everything was fine, like a monk’s chant. She didn’t believe me. I was so happy she couldn’t feel what they were doing to her.

We started the final two rounds of pushing. Linda kept up the orders, telling Steph how to push, to not scream because she needed the air in her lungs to help force Kaia out. I actually had to hold her head up while she pushed at this point, so there was really no way for me to not see what was going on.

It was a weird deal, because there was this point in the room where all they cared about was the baby. Steph’s health was secondary. The baby had to come out.

I saw Kaia’s head emerge. She was kind of pale, kind of purple kind of covered in all kinds of stuff. Then I heard the doctor say, “It’s wrapped around twice.”

Time to push again. This time, Kaia came all the way out. I watched the doctor carefully unwrap the umbilical cord from around her neck (twice), then hand her to the NICU nurses.

We could not see Kaia, nor hear her crying. Steph kept saying, “How is she? Is she all right? I can’t hear her?”

I’d say, “She’s fine. She’s okay.” Over and over again, even though I knew nothing of the sort.

Then we heard her cry once. Then again.

I said, “See, she’s okay. She’s going to be all right.”

All this time, the doc was stitching Steph back up. I was trying to keep her from noticing that. She kept asking me about Kaia. I kept saying the same things.

Then someone said, “Do you have a camera?”

What? Camera? “Yes, we have a camera.” I stumbled away from Steph, dug through our bags and found the camera. They let me take a picture of her on the scales (4 pounds, 8.6oz), and then they put her in a cart and prepared to wheel her away.

They asked if I wanted to go with her to the NICU. I asked Steph. She said go with her. I stumbled down the hall, my baby girl in a clear plastic box on wheels next to me, trying to stop crying.

I had no idea.

I watched the baby get stuck and fussed with until someone suggested I should go check in. I just didn’t want to leave her. I didn’t want her to have to go it alone. But after an hour, I thought it’d be okay. I pretty much ran to our room, dragging Paula and Grandma Jane with me. We caught Steph up from there.

That day, I visited Kaia probably seven times. Each time you go in to see her, you have to scrub your hands for three minutes all the way to your elbows. No exceptions. If you leave the baby and go back outside, you have to repeat the whole three minutes. My arms are scaly at this point.

As a perfect end for the day, at 7:00pm, they came and removed us from the nice room on the sixth floor and took us to a much smaller, less nice room on the fifth where we remained for the next two days.

I warned you

2008-01-13T21:45:00.000-06:00

January 13, 2008: So, remember what I looked like just two months ago. Oy! They aren't kidding when they say you gain the most weight in your final trimester...

Anyway, I've been threatening to show you the latest protrusion so there you go. I actually like this picture, so enjoy!

48 Days and Counting

2008-01-10T21:44:00.000-06:00

January 10, 2008: That's assuming she doesn't come early...

It's hard to believe this part is almost over. I know I've whined a lot, but I told Cory yesterday, I'm going to miss her being in there. It's the strangest feeling when she moves. I expected kicks to hurt; they don't (yet). I'm extremely, and I mean extremely, uncomfortable most of the time, but every time I feel her move, it makes me smile.

I do miss working out hard, enjoying food, sleeping and breathing. Yes breathing I miss the most. But there's still something cool about the whole thing. We went to our first parenting class this week, childbirth preparation, and despite reports to the contrary ahead of time, we actually enjoyed the video. We have two more of those classes, then newborn care, breastfeeding and breathing and relaxation.

Tomorrow is Cory's 35th birthday. Wish I could say we'd be swinging from chandeliers in some hotel, but no. Probably not. I hope we have an enjoyable weekend alone though. We don't have many of those left.

I went to my friend's daycare with her today. The people seem nice and we've heard nothing but good reports from everyone who has a child there. It's like $150 a week. A WEEK! People, before you have kids of your own, move to where your parents live or get a job that provides free childcare. Crikey.

I know I keep saying I'll post a new belly pic soon but I mean it this time. I got my hair did last weekend and I feel cute again so I promise to post one.

Right now, I'm going to go eat a bowl of cereal.

The Belly

2008-01-03T21:42:00.000-06:00

January 3, 2008: We had to see a different doctor today, mine is on vacation. He was very nice.

Anyway, we’re sitting in the room and look up to notice a “dilation chart.” I think we both saw it at the same time and lost all color in our cheeks. The nurse said they usually hide it better. I’m not looking forward to when they start measuring that! Good gravy.

Had to get a shot. Apparently, since my blood type is A negative, and we don’t know Cory’s blood type, we have to take precautions so that if Baby Girls blood type is positive, my body doesn’t see her blood as a foreign substance and try to reject her. Or something. Why we are just now getting this injection is kind of perplexing but anyway, it didn’t sound like a big deal. If baby comes out negative, then we do nothing further. If she is positive, then I get another shot. OK. Whatever.

Listening to her heartbeat is the most reassuring sound ever. I know only the moms out there can truly understand this, but I worry constantly that there is something wrong. “Why isn’t she moving today? What did I do? Is she ok? Have I done anything to poison her?” I mean, the list is endless and it borders on the ridiculous. But when we go in and hear her heart beating strong... it makes me breathe a sigh of relief. Cory, too. In fact, he said it in the office today. We look forward to hearing it so we know she’s ok.

Doc said I might have been having a contraction when he first listened. I told him I didn’t feel anything, and that was ok by me. :) I was reading something to Cory the other day about how to know if it’s “real” labor or “fake” labor, and it actually said if I’m not doubled over in pain, unable to speak, it’s fake. Nice. Who wrote that?

I’ve gained 34 pounds. My limit was 35. Oops. Oh well. At this point, it’s just so much belly... I like the belly.

Food Sucks

2007-12-30T21:40:00.000-06:00

December 30, 2007: Yep, that's right people. Prego just said food sucks. Or maybe it should say eating sucks. Either way, the joy is gone. Yesterday at Joe's, we had some cheese fries (split 3 ways) and I had half of a BLT. I was so miserable, I felt like I'd just emptied an all-you-can-eat breakfast buffet. I am so squooshed on my insides... this must be how people with gastric bypass surgery feel when they eat too much... without the joy of a baby as the reason why.

Baby Girl has parked her little tuckus on my right side, directly under my ribs. Every once in awhile, she gives me a good push, I guess to let me know she's doing ok in there. It doesn't hurt, but it's not comfortable, either. As she gets bigger and bigger (she's going to almost triple in size over the next 8 weeks) I would imagine she will be able to pack a pretty powerful punch. It's going to get interesting. And I'm probably just going to get crankier and complain more. Yay for Cory!

29 Weeks!!

2007-12-09T21:39:00.000-06:00

December 9, 2007: I really need to post a picture of my belly again. Good grief, it feels so big! I don't know how I can continue to grow for 10-11 more weeks. I mean, I know I can, and will, but geez! I can really see the end of my belly button now, it's probably only a matter of time before it pops like a turkey thermometer.

I know I've bitched a lot about the aches and pains and discomforts and inconveniences, but I'm in a good mood today, so I better get this out before my mood swings again... :)

There has been nothing more exciting than seeing Cory's face the first time he felt the baby move.
I can't stop rubbing my belly, and I wonder if she can sense my touch.
I like having my friends touch my tummy. It doesn't bother me at all, and so far, no strangers have invaded my space.
I can't wait until I can actually hold her.
I can't wait until I can actually see Cory hold her.
The emotional roller coaster has been tough on everyone in this house, but sometimes there's nothing better than a good, hard cry.
I've never run around the house in my underwear before now. I told my sister, "Why not? This is the body that Cory built."

Anyway, just thought I'd throw this up there because the next time I post, I'll probably be complaining about hemorrhoids...

Anti-Ice Cream

2007-11-25T21:33:00.000-06:00

November 25, 2007: My ice cream experiences have just been lacking. Marble Slab is always out of sweet cream, or swiss chocolate or whatever I happen to want, and when we hit Cold Stone this weekend, we were bombarded by a talkative sales...boy. Must've been the owner's son, probably around 7. He would NOT stop coming to our table. I'm thinking next craving, I just go to the store and buy some Blue Bell. Or maybe Joe's for a chocolate shake.

Our next appt. is the first week of December. My stomach is big and hard now, it's crazy. I'm getting tired a lot easier these days and sleep is my enemy again, much like the first trimester. Up to go to the bathroom all the time, right side, left side... ugh. Naps are great but sleeping straight through just isn't happening. Sleeping on my side with all this weight is killing my hips.

Anyway, I'm getting sick of it now. I'm tired of people asking me the same questions over and over. Don't get me wrong, it's not bad to ask a woman these things, but I'm being honest here and answering over and over and over "how are you feeling? when are you due? is it a boy or a girl? Do you have a name picked out?" gets old. As self-absorbed as I am, can't we please talk about something else for once?

Maybe if my ice cream was more satisfying, I'd be less cranky...

The Registries

2007-11-06T21:36:00.000-06:00

November 6, 2007: Open up your wallets, people. We're registered. :)

We did everything online at target.com and babiesrus.com. The only thing we no longer need is a breast pump. We got the awesome hookup courtesy of a friend of Cory's who got us the primo model for the price of the middle model. Sweet.

Becoming Parents

2007-10-16T21:30:00.000-05:00

October 16, 2007: I realized today that Cory & I are going to be great parents and we are going to raise our daughter with a few fundamental beliefs that we share: think for yourself, always ask questions, be kind to others, have an open mind and an open heart, embrace education.

I still get questions about why I didn't take Cory's last name, so I'm certain I will also face "Why don't you have daddy's last name?" to which I have a reply ready as well. I had to consult a good friend who shares my liberal views and is a Mom herself, and she had the best response... "be honest."

I guess that's what Cory & I hope to do as parents: be as honest as we can and hope that our daughter grows up respecting our opinions and beliefs. And I hope she realizes that if her beliefs are polar opposite of ours, that's ok. We'll love her anyway.

20 Weeks

2007-10-09T21:28:00.000-05:00

October 9, 2007: Had another appointment today. She just listened to the heartbeat and set up our next appointment. They'll be drawing me blood again and I have to do the glucose test where I drink a bunch of syrupy orange crap. That sounds fun.

I was thinking today... if women would really tell all the gross truths about pregnancy, I don't think as many women would be so anxious to get knocked up. I mean, seriously. There is nothing romantic, sexy or even sweet about this process (in my humble opinion). Today, the doc told me to get little pads for the inside of my gargantu-bra because I've started to leak this yellowy-orange gunk called colostrum and if it gets worse, it can stick to the inside of the bra and I can peel layers of nipple-skin off when I remove my bra.

Now, isn't that hot?

There is more, but I'll keep it to myself for now. Oozing nipples is gross enough for one post.

---

On a much more pleasant note, my tummy has arrived! It really pooches now, and I waddle. I saw myself in the reflection of a glass door today and realized the waddle. The tummy, I can't remember when exactly this week, but wow, it was like overnight or something. My pants officially no longer fit and it just sticks out. Before, it was like I was bloated all the time but now, this is the real thing. :)

Everyone keeps asking what we are going to name our baby girl. Well, just so you know, even when we do pick one, we won't be sharing it until she is born. There's got to be something kept as a surprise...

Anyway, the baby is telling me she wants some orange juice and sleep, so...

The Heartbeat

2007-09-11T21:14:00.000-05:00

September 11, 2007: We really had no idea what our appointment was about today. I thought perhaps just more bloodwork and a pee check, but we got to hear the heartbeat! 156 bpm, or as Cory put it, "That's a heartbeat climbing a hill, at least a 7!" :) Cracks me up.

When the doc rubbed the little wand (too little to be called a magic wand this time) on me, we heard the beating. Then it went away. She said, "there it is. that's your baby in there! Active little bugger too cuz he just swam away from me." She had to work on finding it again, guess he was swimming back and forth. :) I had this image of a 16 week old fetus splashing around the fluid like it was a turtle kiddie pool.

No word on the gender yet. We will be going to OKC in a few weeks for the pre-screening ultrasound. This is the optional test to check for Down's Syndrome or other abnormalities. Optional likely means insurance doesn't cover it, but being my age, risks for these kind of things go way up so we'd rather know than not. Anyway, at that appointment, we'll know the gender and likely come home with a phenomenal baby pic to post. Doc says their ultrasound machine is amazing.

No movement yet, that I can feel. But she said the size is perfect and so is the heartbeat. :) I've gained 3 pounds since the last appointment, it seems like a lot more but I was glad to hear all those cookies I ate last night didn't ruin me. :)

I came home from a work event last night sick and it has progressively gotten worse. Ugh. I went to my class this morning and just made the girls play basketball so I wouldn't have to work out. The rest of my day, I canceled and spent it in bed. In fact, it's calling my name again so I think I'll head that way.

That's all for now. Thanks for stopping by!

BLOG PS: I have 4 books purchased so far: Fletcher and the Falling Leaves, for obvious reasons, Puff the Magic Dragon, Howard B. Wigglebottom Learns to Listen, cuz i loved the name, and my all-time favorite, Goodnight Moon. :)

Meet the Baby

2007-08-17T21:12:00.000-05:00

11 weeks, 3 days :)

Baby Birds and Books

2007-08-12T21:11:00.000-05:00

August 12, 2007: With Cory away most of the week, I had a lot of time to myself. I didn't do much really. Ate whatever I wanted and slept a lot. :) Wait, that's no different than if he were home...

Anyway, I don't think I've posted about it but this summer, I bought two different hanging flower baskets for our porch. The first basket died because a Momma bird decided to lay her eggs there, and I was scared to water it with the nest inside. We discovered the nest when cleaning up after the flood. No telling how long the eggs had been there, it wasn't long before I peeked in and the nest was empty. By this time, we decide the baby birds were a good omen, because we found out I was pregnant not too long after discovering the bird eggs.

The second plant was destined to do better because it was a basket of New Guinea impatiens, which does better in the shade and handles heat fairly well. I have to take the basket down to water it and one day, there it is, another nest and baby bird eggs. This time around, I decided to try to save the plant. I carefully watered it as little as possible, making sure not to disturb the eggs. I kept it alive through the hatching of the eggs, though the heat was really getting to it this week and it wasn't looking so good.

I took down the basket again to water it like always, but this time, the babies were in a new nest on a different side of the basket. In their old nest, a dead baby. :( So I decided to let the plant die because there was no way to water around two nests. I left it alone until today, when I got home from the airport.

As I took the basket off the hook, one of the birds flew, half heartedly, out of the basket and onto our lawn. I look in and ALL of the rest of the birds are dead. How this one survived, I'm not sure because I think the Momma bird abandoned them or was killed. Or the babies were sick from the start and they died all but one lonely one who kept sitting in the basket waiting for its Momma to come home with some tasty grub.

It was still pretty small, and didn't really seem able to fly yet. More like flop. It freaked me out, I didn't want this one to die, too. Cory & I decided to get it to a box and then we would try to feed it. It let me pick it up and it held onto my hand tightly with its little claws. It seemed terrified, but didn't really try to get away. We dug up a worm and tried to get it to eat it, but no luck. At this point, we decide it's probably best if we just let it fend for itself. We place the bird in our flower bed and go inside.

Getting ready to go to the movies, I look for the baby again. It's still sitting in the flower bed next to the worm I tried to feed it. Right where we left it. I start freaking out that maybe we should put it up high, off the ground, so that maybe the Momma would come back and be able to find it. So I got a different hanging basket and made it a little nest and hung it back up. I hoped for the best and went to a stupid movie, where I sat and worried about the little bird the entire time.

When we got home, the baby was gone. I guess she could fly after all and was strong enough to leave her nest. I hope she is old enough and big enough to find her own food...

If the first basket of eggs was a good omen, what do dead baby birds mean? I know it's a morbid thought, but I've been paranoid all week because I still don't feel pregnant. I just feel fat and tired. :( I think about it constantly, I'll be glad when our appointment arrives on Tuesday.

Books

One of my best friends, who had a baby about a year ago, told me I should read Jenny McCarthy's book "Belly Laughs." She said it was hilarious and I would appreciate much of what she had put into the book, given the topics of my pregnancy posts so far.

With Cory gone all weekend, I decided to buy it at Hastings. It's short and easy and not very well-written, but it did have some funny stuff, and it made me feel a little better for how I've been feeling and acting lately. I laughed out loud a couple of times and told Cory he should read it when he has time.

The last few pages are about labor, and how she is freaking out about pooping during the delivery, a fear I've had a couple of times since learning that this happens. Toward the very end, the tone of the book changes as she talks about the actual delivery of her son. I start bawling. Lips quivering at first, eyes tearing up, and then the floodgates. I have no idea why, just like I have no idea why I bit Cory's head off on the phone the day before because I couldn't get the TV to work. Hormones, I guess.

Wow, I really am pregnant.

The Connection

2007-07-25T21:08:00.000-05:00

July 25, 2007: Two nights ago, I had my first dream about the baby. Friends have told me that they believe it is my maternal instinct kicking in, my way of connecting to the little growing person inside of me.

In the dream, I’m in labor. I can hear people telling me to push, but in the dream, I’m inside the womb with my baby. I remember cradling her head in the crook of my arm, soothing her and telling her that this part was going to be a little rough... I basically pushed her out with my elbow (ouch, vagina!) and once she was out, I was back “in my body” and wasn’t with her anymore.

The next thing I know, we are home and I am trying to figure out the whole breast feeding thing. It’s not working for us. I keep trying to get her to latch on but it’s just not happening and we are both getting frustrated. I’m not sure what happened after that, but I remember yelling at Cory to stop ignoring her. She was 1 day old and he kept setting her on the couch and then going off to do something else. Probably play halo. ;)

I’m not sure what else happened, that’s all I really remember, but I do recall there being another couple there who had their daughter at the same time we did. They kept trying to take ours instead. And yes, the girl had a name. But the name I called her in the dream is the name I hope to give her so I can’t tell you until she is born.

This is so exciting. :)

The Boobies Part II

2007-07-21T21:07:00.000-05:00

July 21, 2007: 38C, peoples... at 8 weeks. That's all I'm saying

Sleep Deprivation, Part I

2007-07-20T21:06:00.001-05:00

July 20, 2007: You know, I am well aware that there will be a chronic lack of sleep once the baby comes, but I had no idea that I would be short on sleep before the little bugger ever shows up and makes a peep.

I've really been struggling with fatigue the past couple weeks, most notably this week, and I kind of expected that. But what I didn't expect was that it wasn't just fatigue from all the stuff going on, it's from actual insomnia. I am having real trouble getting quality sleep and it's killing me.

My boss told me to look online for suggestions on what I can take or do, so I just googled it. Who knew, 78% of women report lack of sleep during pregnancy more than any other time. First and third trimesters are the worst.

It's time to spend some money on some quality pillows. And go maternity shopping, because tight clothes are making me crazy. I don't like clothes touching me much when I'm a size 6, much less double that.

Consider today a Bad Day! Hmmpf!

Mark My Words

2007-07-12T21:03:00.000-05:00

July 12, 2007: We're having a girl, I just know it.

Due Date: March 1!

2007-07-09T21:02:00.000-05:00

Boobies!

2007-07-03T21:01:00.000-05:00

July 3, 2007: Cory says I am obsessed with my boobs. I know, I should call them breasts or something less juvenile, but I like the sound of the word - boobies. It just makes me giggle.

I’ve always heard that one of the early signs of pregnancy is tenderness and/or soreness of your boobies (hee, hee) and nipples. I’ve had moments before in my life where I was sore so I just knew I was pregnant. Let me tell you all, there is no denying it when it happens. It’s not the same. It freaking hurts. It hurts as in when I get out of the shower, I place the towel under the boobies so as not to have to come in contact with the super-soft cotton.

The other weird thing about them is they feel so heavy. Like each one must weigh twice what it did two weeks ago. I came out of the bedroom topless the other day with one cupped in each hand.

“Cory, my boobies feel enormous! Feel them! Lift up the boobies!”

He laughed at me, of course. I think this was when the “obsessed” comment came about. “They do look bigger,” he said grinning. Hmm, I wonder why the smirk?

He placed his hands on the boobs. Gently.

“Wow. They feel so... dense!”

He agreed with me. Aha! I knew I wasn’t crazy.

Just wait...I’m going to start posting pictures of my boobies. You all can watch them as they grow larger and larger... You can bet your asses I’m going to be sporting the low-cut, cleavage baring tops when they arrive. I have to take advantage of them while I can...

The Fig Incident

2007-07-02T21:00:00.000-05:00

July 2, 2007: Last night, as soon as we got back I started cleaning and putting the house back together. I had to go to walmart, like it or not, so I sent Cory off to Ratatouille alone so I could be productive.

Our walmart sucks, just in case you ever thought about driving to STW to go to the store. The new one is good, but I haven't learned my way around it yet and this needed to be a speed trip, I was pooped.

Anyway, the produce section was what I was most interested in since I need to be eating healthy. The frackin place didn't even have any bananas. WTF? Who runs out of bananas?

After walmart, I go to Albertson's to buy their twice-as-expensive produce. I see a little round container of figs. Ever had a fig? Seen a fig? I know I like 'em in newtons, and Diane had said they were wonderful so I figure what the heck, I'll pay $5.99 for a new fruit experience.

Cory gets home, and I ask, "Ever had a fig? Wanna try one?"

He looks at the container and sneers. "Not really, but I guess."

While he stands there I take a bite. "Not bad. Tastes just like the newton without the cake. Only crunchier. They sure are ugly."

I pop the rest of it in my mouth. They're about the size of a date and very chewy.

My husband, known in his circle of friends as Too Far Cheney, says, "They look like an old man's shriveled little testicles."

And that, my friends, is when I had my first experience with nausea.

The figs are with Diane on a plane to Thailand right now...

The First Appointment

2007-06-26T20:59:00.000-05:00

June 26, 2007: Let me begin by saying I love my doctor. She is young, active, fit... the cutest little hippie-looking, Sheryl Crow-esque woman. She and her husband are cyclists, so you know, it’s like a perfect fit for me to have a doctor who understands that I am NOT likely to stop working out just because I’m pregnant. In fact, I’m viewing this as an opportunity to finally start taking responsibility for our nutritional habits. Gotta eat healthy now, there’s a little brain forming inside of me.

Anyway, we go in, not expecting to really find out anything because the appointment was made for other reasons a couple of weeks back. The “other reasons,” just for the record, are that my thyroid no longer functions properly so my metabolism, energy level, etc. are out the door. Which is why I’m no longer a perky size 6-8 and I could sleep for days on end and then go take a nap.

She starts asking questions about when my last period was, and I tell her in all honesty, I’m not really sure. Other than the last 6 months, I’ve been on the same birth control pill since I was 18. I never had to keep track of that girly stuff, it always happened like clockwork. And it also barely happened at all – I mean, light and short and pain free so I’m one of the lucky ones.

She decides to go ahead and do an ultrasound to see how far along I am.

“Go ahead and take off your bottoms. I’ll go get the ultrasound.”

Cory looks as though he might faint. I’m not sure if it’s the kidney stone or the appointment, but either way, his comfort level is long gone. He looks at me undressing, looks at the stirrups, and back at me.

“I don’t understand!!”

I laughed. “Well, me either, but apparently, she ain’t rubbin’ cold gel on my belly...”

Doc comes back in wheeling a cart. She puts gel on what she refers to as the “magic wand.”

Uh, yeah. That’s definitely going inside of me. It looks like a vibrator. A really big one. Connected to a computer screen. Can’t get that at Christy’s Toybox.

Cory moves so he can stand next to my head instead of the stirrups. We hold hands. She digs around in there for awhile, not saying anything. Suddenly, I get nervous that maybe the tests were wrong.

The doc calmly speaks. “Oh, I had my wand upside down. There we are. Much better.”

Cory & I laugh. I wonder if she just does that sort of thing to break the ice. I hope not.

“You definitely had a normal period last month... this tiny little black speck, that’s the sac. You are definitely pregnant! 4 weeks, 5 days. It’s too early to really see anything but we’ll take a look again next week.”

She tells me to go get a blood test to check my hormone levels and then do it again on Wednesday. Apparently, pregnancy hormones are supposed to double every 48 hours. So I’m going to be getting stuck a lot. And doubling hormones probably mean sick a lot. I hope I can handle this...

The Home Test

2007-06-02T20:57:00.000-05:00

June 2, 2007: I couldn't wait until later. I decided to take the test after lunch at El Tapatio. Cory made his way to his bathroom while I made my way for mine.

"You know you'll probably find out you're pregnant while I'm in the crapper."

You know Cory. Ever the romantic.

It's not like we haven't done this test before. Go pee on a stick, look at stick two minutes later to see a big fat minus sign. As in you are minus any eggs, you old lady.

I peed, then got online to check my email. I had a lengthy one from my sister so I got into reading that when I realized I'd forgotten about the test. I ran to the bathroom, thinking to myself, "I just need to tell him, all my eggs have dried up. We should stop wasting money on EPT."

I picked up the test and saw two faint lines instead of one.

HUH?

I smiled, kind of fiendishly, because I knew I was going to tell Cory some of the most exciting news he's ever heard while he was taking a post-Mexican food dump.

"Cory? Uh... you were right."

"About what?"

"That I'm going to tell you I'm pregnant while you're on the crapper."

"What? No shit? Are you serious?"

"Yeah. I need you to come look at this. It looks like a plus sign to me..."